Being Real Real

Being Real

I’ve always been a competitive person. Not sure if it’s learned or taught, but in any and all activities, I want to be at the top. I want to win. I want the prize. The first big fight Marty and I had was over an UNO game.  As he laid down his second to last card - I yelled “UNO” before he could.  That’s when it hit the fan.  “You have to give me a chance” was his plea.  No I don’t.  Sometimes Passion and Competitiveness is NOT a good combination.  After 16 years, I’m not sure we’ve ever settled that argument, but we have learned to never play against one another again.  (Lesson here loved ones, life is too short-  We are on the same team.  But please let your sweet competitive loved one win gracefully and don’t be a sore looser).

Being in sales, a bloodthirsty spirit to be the top will help.  Not only did I want that big fat commission, the recognition was the kicker.  In Chris Woodward’s book LEADERSHIP REVOLUTION he states there are three levels to leading.  First level is Money.  That gets you in.  Leaders see the financial benefit and will go for it.  If a leader stays at this level, he’ll get burned eventually.  The second tier of leadership is recognition.  This is stronger than the pull of money. And I believe that.  For so long I was a self-hater and when I started to hear good things about myself through my successful sales,  it became a drug.  I needed more.  I wanted more.  I loved seeing my name on the top, I loved hearing my name called out, I loved the accolades, the titles, the photo-shopped pictures.  The last level that will keep a leader going according to Woodward is-- Life Destiny.  When a leader gets to this level- money, accolades etc., mean nothing unless you are MAKING a difference; when you are doing what you were put on earth to do.  (I finally feel like I’ve arrived here- but it was a humbling journey.)

I was stuck in level two for a long time.  I chased the next incentive, sometimes at all costs.  I put family, church, and self on the back burner to get to that next promotion.  It’s exhausting! I would arrive and was never satisfied.  I would work my tail off to sometimes fall short and be blinded of the benefits of what I had accomplished.   Being at the top was the only motivator.  Unfortunately, it was all about me, and how I would feel.  Sometimes the rewards were amazing and I relished in them; other times I would brush it aside to move to the next.  Not worth it.  I can see how people stuck in this cycle become a workaholic. It’s never ending, and much is never enough.  Although I was at the top of my game, I needed the next incentive to give me the rush. 

When you are using pride and acknowledgment as a leading cause to do your job, God will not honor it.  In fact, a Bible verse I learned as a tot was “Pride comes before the fall”.   And yes, my friends, it does.  At the top of my game, top in the company, only 22 out of 100,000 plus women I had arrived.  Although my team, my family, my ‘followers’ wanted to be where I was I knew the true motivation was not going to sustain.  AND then it happened.  Company structure change and I had to demote myself.  I had 18 months to hit certain numbers, which would be possible- but would take me working 24/7, ignoring my family, and throwing myself into my work.  God and I came face to face, and using my mentor- He spoke right to my soul.  Through her He said; “Heidi, if you are trying to stay at the top because of your pride, then God will never ever bless your business.”  Ouch- how about a slap in the face.

Embarrassment, Shame, fear, doubt; in my mind it would’ve been easier to be hit by a bus or struck by some ebola plague.  I had to face the people I have trained, poured into, encourage and tell them I am a failure, it’s harder than you think.  Oh how I’d like to be anywhere else.

Remember Jesus talking to the rich young ruler.  The ruler truly loved Jesus.  He said so.  He even asked how he could serve and love Jesus more.  Jesus knew the ruler was proud, He knew the ruler enjoyed the tributes, the honors, the position.  When asked to go sell all that he owned and humbly follow, the rich young ruler was unable to lay his pride down.  I know exactly how he felt.  He could see the headlines “Rich Young Ruler Loses Everything to Follow Homeless Guy.”  He had a reputation and it was more important than his relationship with Christ.

Let me caution you reader.  I am a sinner and I struggle daily, ok-minutely- with my arrogance.  I know for a fact I put on an air so that others will look and think “I want to be like Heidi”.  I struggle BUT I have learned that people in my life have responded and have come to life more when I am vulnerable, broken and not at the top of my game.  They can relate and want to be exposed too so they do not have to keep chasing the next carrot dangling.  It’s true, beloved, raw-real-truth is utterly more attractive than “I’ve got it all” Façade.  Try it.  Get with a close friend and share your heart.  God is asking you to lay it down so He can use you!    Not saying it won’t hurt, it will, but it is entirely and downright worth it.

My Beautiful Friend Linda

I recently visited a good friend in the hospital.  Linda is battling chrones, and this past year has knocked her down quite a bit.  She has fought for her life and is enduring constant pain.  Linda is a diva.  Adorably dressed in the newest and latest fashion.  She has cute nails, perfectly matched jewelry, and a smile that will warm your soul.  Lying in a hospital bed in a paper thin gown can take away from your trendiness.  One thing I noticed with Linda, I didn’t even notice!  As she shared with me her struggles, all I saw was beauty!  It wasn’t until I wanted to take a selfie of us is when she mentioned how ugly she must look!  Although I did notice the horrific tube coming out of her nose, I did not notice!  She was completely and utterly beautiful to me, because I knew her heart.  We took the selfie, and because she is not vain, she posted it on social media!  That is how I want to be!  Not worry about the outside- knowing my inside is pretty enough.